It’s been a busy summer. My Mom has seen her Grandson, both Granddaughters and all her great Grandchildren. Whew! I felt like we were running a marathon, but it was very successful.
She loves to see her Grand kids, but with each visitor I can see her grow more and more fatigued. It’s been a hard call. How much time to spend with her?, how much can she handle? I have decided to go with what makes her the happiest, not necessarily what makes her the most healthy. Her body is filling with fluid each and every day. Her heart is slowing being crushed. It’s terrible to witness. So, with that said, any amount of joy and laughter we can bring her way…we do!
But, now the company is gone and we wait. She knows what is happening. She cries more now than she did before. She tells me she is scared of how weak she feels. I can help with pain but not the weakness. She is getting so big (because of fluid), it is getting more and more difficult for her to even get out of a chair. This journey has had it’s tough moments, but this seems to be heading to what may be the worst.
Is it wrong that I pray that she goes now? I pray she can go peacefully. I remember a few months ago being angry with God at how long my Dad lingered in a coma. “What are you waiting on?!” I finally just asked him. I told him it was cruel to just wither away here, it was too hard on Mom. Truth be told, it was too hard on me.
Once again I sit here trying to predict the future and God once again is showing me to let control go.
It’s hard in life to make decisions for ourselves. What should I eat to be healthy? When should I go to the Doctor? What makes me happy? The list goes on and on. But to do this for someone else who is not your child, but your parent is so very difficult. I do not like the unknown, however I am sure most people don’t, and I yearn for control again. So as this “game of life” goes on..and on for my Mom, I grow weary of the lack of rules. Each night I will continue to pray that her departure is quick and painless. The waiting game will continue, and I will accept its lack of rules.